Wednesday, August 19, 2009
some of you eagle-eyed city dwellers may have noticed an attack of the undead on the weekend. my exclusive coverage for the weekly news follows:
A sunny afternoon at the Public Gardens was disturbed Saturday when several hundred zombies rose up in nearby Camp Hill Cemetery and descended upon the bucolic getaway.
After initial scenes of chaos as the undead staggered amongst the tulips and duck ponds while bemused bystanders risked their lives to take photographs, the zombie march took shape outside the main gates on South Park Street and Spring Garden Road.
When lively ex-human addressed the hordes, it became clear this was no violent assault on the city, but a civil rights march for the undead.
“We’re glad to see everyone out. This is going to be awesome,” said the zombie, who identified himself as Alex Isenor. “A couple of basic guidelines: don’t get in traffic, don’t get hurt, don’t hurt other people and don’t damage private property. Otherwise, they’ll stop us.”
The zombies set off on a shambling, ramshackle march down Spring Garden Road, stopping at the Don’t Walk signs. At one point, the line of undead stretched four-deep from Barrington Street to the Public Gardens. Police dispatched several squad cars, trucks, vans, horses and foot constables to contain the demonstration as the slow-moving march twisted down Barrington and across the Parade Square.
“What do we want?” shouted a lead zombie.
“Brains!” responded the masses.
“When do we want it?” rallied the leader.
“Brains!” replied the crowd.
In a damning indictment of Halifax’s claim to be a “smart city,” the zombies marched for hours without finding a single one.
As the march passed in front of baffled NDP members, in town for the federal party’s convention, one was asked if he was there to recruit the undead vote. The staffer shook his head. “I think it’s a Tory convention,” he answered as the brainless monsters passed.
Experts said it appeared to be an outbreak of the 1960s strain of zombism, as the beasts were closer to the slow-moving, slow-witted creatures seen in Night of the Living Dead than the speedier, more independent zombies depicted in 28 Days Later. There were clown zombies on stilts, baby zombies in strollers, swine-flu zombies and even a zombie on his Blackberry, although it was hard to tell if he was undead or simply an ordinary Crackberry addict.
Amazingly, Carleton University released a report entitled When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modelling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection on the very day dozens of outbreaks occurred across the country. “An outbreak of zombies infecting humans is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead,” the report concluded. “Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication.”
Zombie activist Megan MacCormac dismissed it as discrimination against the not-living.
“But I can empathize, as I’m a fresh zombie and I do remember some of those human feelings,” she said. MacCormac conceded the study’s authors’ may have a point. “Yeah. Well, honestly, to handle it properly, that is the most assured way.”
The zombies, who organized the march on Facebook, finished with a gathering in the park across from the train station, dancing to the legendary zombie political anthem, Thriller.
meanwhile, this facebook group has me wishing my newsroom was bigger than one man and his dog.
"Overheard in the Newsroom #1616: Copy editor: “You know, sometimes I love this job.” Slot editor: “Wait a few minutes, and that should change. … Speaking of, can you take this weather story for me?”
meanwhile meanwhile, here's the latest road warrior, documenting the sailing yogis of the mist of avalon.
Posted by Pay-Per-Hack Writer at 9:11 AM